Image courtesy of Sony Pictures				SPIDER-MAN 3
Why?  Why in the hell did I pay to see this shit?  Because I liked the first two Spider-Man flicks, that’s why.  And, being the hopeful idiot I am, I thought there might be some remote chance Hollywood was capable of finding a way to keep the series fresh.  But, if Spider-Man 3 is only the first release in this year’s mess of summer blockbusters, just hand over the gun now so I can put myself out of my misery.  So, what is it that makes this third installment stink worse than the giant turd my cat refused to bury in his litter box last week?  Let’s see…for starters, there’s the predictable,  over-the-top action sequences used to plug up the gaping holes in the narrative, an assortment of utterly ridiculous dialogue, your standard lack of character development, a flat score, its campy visual design, and some really dumb casting decisions…just to name a few.  For some stupid reason, director Sam Raimi tries to cram two movies into one this time (the first one better than the second), which makes you feel as if you’ve walked in on a movie that’s right in the middle of revealing its multiple personality disorder to the friendly neighborhood shrink.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long to realize that Raimi should have just quit while he was ahead and ended the damn movie about an hour before it finally limps its clumsy ass to a campy close.
For all intents and purposes 3 starts out with a bang by focusing on the rivalry between Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) and Harry Osborne (James Franco) as they continue their fight for the affections of Mary Jane Watson (Kristen Dunst).  But don’t be fooled by the impressive opening fight scene.  Trust me…it won’t take long to realize this latest spectacle isn’t about to live up to its predecessors.		Image courtesy of Sony Pictures
First, Spidey gives the Green Harry Goblin a little bump on his head during their opening tiff which conveniently makes Harry forget he’s mad at Parker; and, the two become nauseatingly chummy again.  Then, Spidey has two new bad guys to deal with – Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), who competes for Parker’s day job as staff photographer at the Daily Bugle before ultimately turning into Venom, and Flint Marko (Thomas Hayden Church), Uncle Ben’s real killer who becomes Sandman.  Even though Spider-Man 3 is going to piss off a lot of comic book fans, it will definitely appeal to 12 year-old boys everywhere with its ridiculous action sequences and formulaic fight scenes.  Obviously, Raimi is hoping his target audience will be too young to pick up on Dunst’s atrocious lip syncing, Foreman’s hideous dye job, and the really bad set designs that look faker than a pair of EEE breast implants on a Gibbons monkey.  As for the audience members old enough to know better, the ridiculous factor will kick into overdrive somewhere in the middle of Raimi’s mess when they find themselves wondering why an American TV reporter speaks with a British accent, how an aggression-fueled parasite turns Peter Parker into an űber-dork, and whether or not a certain 4:20 recreational activity made Eric Foreman think he should leave his basement to become a comic book villain.
Image courtesy of Sony Pictures			As I left the movie theatre, I found myself thinking that Raimi should just take his own advice and go find religion if it’s forgiveness that he seeks.  But, I’m not sure even God would forgive his decision to cast a blonde Eric Foreman as Venom.  On second thought, maybe I should just let Red handle this one with his foot…. © Kelly Bartley 2007
Running Time:	2 hrs. 20 min.
Release Date:	May 4, 2007 (wide)
MPAA Rating:	PG-13 (sequences of intense action and violence)
Distributor:	Sony Pictures
Language:	English