Miami

Vice

Image courtesy of Universal Pictures

OK, so it’s a Friday night and you’re playing a rocking game of Jenga with your buddies. As you’re taking your turn, one of your buddies stumbles across a rerun of Miami Vice on the tube. Boom! The Eighties smacks you right across the jaw in all its hot pink, big haired, and obnoxious glory. The Eighties was a decade so powerful that it ruined a man as beautiful as Don Johnson.

Image courtesy of MPTV.net

Image courtesy of WireImage.com

This is Don Johnson

This is Don Johnson after the Eighties

So, of course the television show just HAD to be re-imagined as a movie, because leaving well enough alone would be disrespecting the Eighties. Trust me, you don’t want to disrespect the eighties. Look what it did to Don Johnson…and keep in mind the Eighties loved Don Johnson.

So, back to the movie. How about I sum it up?

Cops in bar…Ferrari…drugs…scary dude…planes…Colin meets Asian chick…fast boat…Cuba…drugs…double cross…two fast boats…Colin loses Asian chick.

Oh, and all of this takes place over two and a half painfully slow hours. Thre was one good thing. There’s a song they play (over and over) by the lead singer of the now defunct band, Soundgarden. Soundgarden had a hit song called “Pretty Noose.” I was really wishing I had that noose during the movie.

Other than drugs and the cops having the same names, I have no idea how the movie and TV show are related. This movie could have been any other soon to be forgotten cop/drug movie. They should have just called the movie Bad Boys 3 and been done with it.

Miami Vice earns director Michael Mann four kicks to the Jimmy. Oh, and Colin Farrell gets a kick to the Jimmy just for being Colin Farrell.