Lady

in the

Water

Image courtesy of Warner Brothers Pictures

So, I went to go see Lady in the Water. I always like to say at least one thing nice about a movie, so here it goes: It sucked. I decided the only way I could vent my frustrations was to do lunch with M. Night himself. So, I gave him a call and we met up at the Red Lobster, natch, to have butter soaked lobster tails and a pow wow….

I asked him, “Night, do you know what was probably scarier than Lady in the Water?” “What’s that, dawg?” he said as he licked butter off the assistant’s fingers who was feeding him. “Whatever scary-ass monster crawled up your ass and made you write that piece of shit.” He got so mad he almost paid the bill with his Visa card instead of his American Express.

I mean come on, even the trailer looks like ass. If you can’t even make a decent 3-minute trailer from lord knows how much footage he shot, you’re gonna have two hours of feces hurled at you by crazed scrunt killing monkeys. A scrunt…what the fuck is a scrunt? I’m all down for made up crap. Hell, I’ll take it in the ass from a Hobbit any day, but a scrunt? Tell you what, take me into that hotel’s backyard with a scrunt and some lawn darts and I’ll have you skewered scrunt faster than you can say “I see dead people.”

In fact, during the movie I thought I blacked out a couple of times. Turns out my brain was just trying to protect itself by removing blocks of time from my memory. What a good brain…you’re a good boy…yes you are.

Image courtesy of Warner Brothers Pictures

I’m going to sum-up the movie using my very own rating system called the “Kicked in the Jimmy” scale. In short, if a movie only moderately sucks, I’ll just give the director just one kick to the Jimmy. If it sucks like a Vegas hooker, I’ll give the soon to be minimum wage earner 5 hearty kicks in the Jimmy.

Lady in the Cesspool earns Night 3 swift kicks to the Jimmy…and a bag of ice.