Tristan and Isolde	Image courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox
One of the few good things I can say about Kevin Reynolds’ latest film, Tristan and Isolde, is at least it’s not another Hollywood remake.  Instead, this legendary tale about the original star-crossed lovers is nothing but a farce of a wannabe fairy tale in which an English bad-ass supposedly falls in love with an Irish princess.  In other words, Tristan is one helluva medieval mess.  The tragic tale of Tristan and Isolde starts with the English Baron Marke (Rufus Sewell) who loses his hand while saving Tristan (James Franco) from the same Irish invaders who slaughtered Tristan’s parents and then raises the boy as his own son.  Later, when Tristan has grown into the best warrior in England, he is cut by an Irishman’s poisoned blade during an ambush; and, because his comrades are too stupid to check for a pulse, they think he is dead and give him a fake Viking funeral in a canoe that can’t seem to catch on fire.  After drifting for an indefinite period of time, Tristan washes up on the shores of Ireland where Isolde (Sophia Myles) finds him unconscious, finds his pulse, realizes he is still alive, nurses him back to health, falls in love, and Tristan is forced to flee Ireland.  The doomed pair later reunites when Tristan unknowingly wins Isolde in a fighting tournament as a bride for England’s new king (who just happens to be Marke) in order to make peace between the warring countries.  Predictably, the star-crossed lovers rekindle their love affair behind the King’s back and come pretty damn close to destroying the entire British empire in the process.  No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t believe Tristan and Isolde’s love affair, thanks to the horrific acting of James Franco.  Throughout the entire film, I watched his watery, squinted eyes stare out from underneath the brooding brow of his statuesque poses for so long that I thought the boy was cutting onions because he was despondently void of any emotion.  Franco was so bad that by the end of the film, I was ready to cast him in a remake of the 1970’s anti-pollution PSA that ends with the single tear running down the Indian’s cheek.  Of course, that role would probably be too much of a stretch for Franco because the Indian actually conveyed feelings.  Leave it to the son of the Green Goblin to ruin a perfectly good love story.  Hey James, here’s a hint...romantic leads usually try to act like they’re in love with their leading ladies.
Image courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox		The other major annoyance I had with Tristan and Isolde is how the Irish had British accents and the British had American accents.  Come on, is it really too much to ask for a little authenticity?  The only time the Irish even sounded like they had an Irish brogue is when they said the word “Ireland.”  Apparently, Reynolds didn't have the sense to cast British or Irish actors; and, instead relied on an onion-chopping American Indian wannabe.  Poor James Franco…he can’t act, he can’t deliver a believable British accent, and he’s sporting an utterly ridiculous white-boy afro – it's enough to make any man cry.  © Left From Hollywood 2006